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Loss & Grief

Why is Loss so Painful?

Losing someone or something meaningful to us can be one of the most painful experiences we will ever go through. It can feel like our whole world has been turned upside down, and it may be extremely difficult to cope with the pain. The loss of a loved one, a pet, a relationship, a job, a home, your health or even a sense of security can be devastating. On a smaller scale, we can experience loss in a variety of ways such as losing sleep, canceled flight, called off dinner date, or your favorite sports team loses. These losses are also disappointing, and the accumulation of these losses over a period of time can be discouraging and add to our level of distress.

There are many reasons why loss is so painful. Here are a few:

Loss of connection

When we form attachments to people or things, we are essentially saying that they are important to us and that we care about them. Losing someone that we are attached to causes us to lose a connection that we had with them. It can make us feel like we have lost a part of ourselves, and it can be difficult to imagine our life without them.

Disrupts our sense of identity

Losing someone we are connected to can be a very disorienting and confusing experience. We may no longer feel like the same person we were before the loss. This can cause confusion and uncertainty about who we are and what we believe in.

Isolation

When we are grieving from loss, it can be difficult to connect with others. We may feel like we are the only one who is going through this pain and that no one else can understand what we are going through.

It can lead to anger and resentment

We may feel angry at the person or thing that we lost, or we may feel angry at ourselves for not being able to prevent the loss. This anger can be difficult to cope with and can lead to resentment towards others.

It can make us feel helpless and hopeless

When we are grieving, it can make us feel as if things are spiraling out of control. Losing what we imagined is permanent, can shake our sense of security and make us question our capabilities and prospects. This can be a very scary feeling, and it can make it more difficult to cope with loss.

Regret

We may wish we had done something differently if we knew the loss was going to happen. For instance, we may regret making a bad decision, missing an opportunity, or hurting the person or thing we lost.

Question the meaning of life

Loss forces us to confront our own mortality. It reminds us that we are not immortal and that we and those around us will eventually die. This can be a difficult concept to accept, and it can lead to feelings of fear and anxiety.

When we experience loss, it can make us question the meaning of life. We may ask ourselves why bad things happen to good people. We may also question our own purpose in life, which can be very challenging to face.

It is important to remember that grief is a normal and healthy response to loss. It is okay to feel sad, angry, scared, or alone. It is also okay to take time to heal. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Everyone experiences grief differently, and there is not a “normal timeline for grieving.” It is essential to implement healthy ways to cope with your loss. Set aside the time to process what happened and to feel your emotions, even though they are difficult.

Unique Ways High Achievers May Experience Loss

Loss is a universal experience, but how one faces it can vary. There are some unique ways that high achievers may likely experience loss. Understanding this can be helpful in the recovery process.

Compounded loss

High achievers may experience multiple losses at the same time, or in quick succession. This can be especially overwhelming, and it may be difficult to know how to even start facing it.

Internalize loss

High achievers tend to believe that they are responsible for the things that happen in their lives. This means that they may also blame themselves for the losses in their lives, and they may not allow themselves to grieve. This often leads to feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation.

Maladaptive coping

To avoid grieving, they may work longer hours, or place great focus on their work to the exclusion of other things in their lives. Although this can be helpful in the short-term, it can also lead to burnout and compound their problems in the long-term.

How to Cope with Loss

As much as loss can be the most challenging thing we'll ever face, it can also be a catalyst for growth if we allow ourselves the space to grieve and cope adaptively. Our ability to cope with loss depends on how we process the sorrow and disappointment we feel.

Because loss can be suffocatingly painful, it can seem easier to avoid the pain by shifting focus to other parts of our lives (e.g., work) and/or frequently having one too many cocktails to take off the edge. For others who succumb to their pain, they can end up feeling like there is just no way out. Either way, avoidance and inaction only worsen our suffering.

As loss is inevitable for all of us, we must accept that we just don’t have a choice about whether we will experience loss or not. However, we do have a choice on how we deal with it. In other words, we can feel devastated about our loss, “lick our wounds,” AND choose to cultivate hope out of despair. By choosing to find opportunity in our uncomfortable and most painful times, we can redefine the challenges we face and create a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. Life difficulties can actually help us gain perspective and teach us about ourselves.

Here are some strategies to cope with your loss and grief:

Talk to someone about it

Talk about your loss with family, friends or colleagues who can be empathetic to your experience and situation. This will help you metabolize and make better sense of a very confusing time.

Have realistic expectations

It is healthy and normal to feel a wide range of emotions from sadness, anger or even exhaustion. Accept that you are supposed to feel these emotions, so that you can find ways to cope with it. Just knowing and expecting that you CAN cope and move forward creates hope and momentum forward. Avoiding your natural response to loss may provide temporary relief in the short-run, but it can compound your difficulties and suffering in the long-run.

Prioritize your health and wellbeing

Take care of yourself and your family starting at the foundation. You can do this by getting appropriate rest and sleep, eating healthy meals, and exercising. By giving yourself a healthy foundation, you will boost your ability to handle the stress and challenges that come with loss.

Stay connected and create new connections

This refers to several things:

Neural brain connections

In grief, our brains must rewire to function in a world without the person or thing we lost. In other words, our brain needs to adjust to the absence of a loved one in our life. To briefly explain, our brain’s neural wiring helps communicate information from our brain to our bodies so we can function efficiently. For example, you may find it difficult to try piano for the first time. But the more you practice, the stronger the neural wiring becomes and the more proficient your ability to play piano. Similarly, you may see partners that have been together for a long time finishing each other's sentences, or a wife handing car keys to her partner at the right time as they are getting ready for work. It’s because as we strengthen the bond we have with our partner, our brain also develops strong neural wiring pertaining to that relationship. Essentially, new experiences create new neural connections in our brain; The more you engage in the experience, the stronger this wiring becomes.

When we lose someone important to us, our brain struggles to make sense of the significant change. It's using the same strong neural pathways that were built over time and it is frantically trying to find your partner. That’s why making sense of your loss can be a helpful process in grieving. If we allow this natural process to take place, as confusing and painful as it is, it allows our brain to eventually update its wiring. The thing is, you must allow yourself to be uncomfortable doing new things in the absence of your partner so that your brain can learn how to handle life without them. Your brain requires new experiences and lots of repetition of that experience to generate different neural wiring—creating a “new normal.”

Stay emotionally connected

Find ways to feel emotionally connected with your loss, particularly if it relates to a loved one. For instance, you may finish up a project that your loved one was working on, or you may talk about them in the present (e.g, “He is an adventurous person”). What works for you may be unique to the relationship you had with your loved one. Keeping an emotional bond may bring you a sense of closeness and comfort. It may also help remind you of what was important and meaningful to that person.

Make new connections with others

You can also connect with and help others deal with loss. Spending time talking about and sharing the things your loved one enjoyed, making your loved one’s favorite food or sharing stories can make a big difference to some. Helping others can empower you and help you feel better as well.

Build resilience

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from difficult experiences. It is a skill that can be leaned and improved over time. Resilient people are able to adapt to change and to persevere in the face of challenges.

Learn to manage stress

Stress can be a major obstacle to resilience. If you can learn to manage stress effectively, you will be better able to cope with difficult situations.

Develop coping mechanisms

Put a name to what you are feeling, understand why you are feeling it and use effective strategies to manage and resolve them.

Build a strong social support network

Having a strong social support network that makes you feel good and comforts you can also help you to be more resilient. Our compassionate friends, family, and loved ones can help us to cope with adversities.

Create hope out of despair

Believe that you can overcome hardships and transform your experience. This slight shift in perspective can help motivate you to persevere in the face of adversity.

Seek professional help

If you are struggling to cope with your loss and grief, it is important to seek professional help. A therapist can help you to make sense of your experience, develop coping mechanisms to manage it, and help you discover a renewed sense of meaning and purpose. There are many resources available to help you cope with loss, such as grief counseling and support groups.

Get Counseling to Heal from Loss and Grief in Fort Lauderdale Florida and Online

Thank you for reading this resource about getting counseling to heal from loss and grief. With over two decades of experience as a licensed psychologist, I've developed a deep understanding of the human mind, encompassing cognitive, emotional, and behavioral aspects. This extensive background equips me to effectively address a wide range of challenges people face. By combining research-based approaches with personalized care, I help clients achieve meaningful and lasting change. My priority for you is to create a kind of space where you feel at ease, understood and connected so that you can be yourself and work on the matters most important to you. I will help you cultivate self-compassion, curiosity, courage along with effective strategies to create the type of life you want.

My clients are remarkable individuals. It is a privilege to earn their trust and share in their most personal experiences. I see my clients as heroes in their life story, and I am inspired by their courage, strength and resilience. 

I am Donna Hillier, a licensed clinical psychologist serving high-achieving clients in Florida. I provide discreet services uniquely customized for high-profile personalities, public figures and elite individuals who desire genuine connection and help from a professional who truly understands